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IJL Seattle Coaching Topic Of The Month
This isn’t the first time we’ve written about this topic, and it’s still something I tell clients about constantly. But alas, I must bring it up again because I hear it in feedback every day. On a first date, pretty please, do not talk about IJL, online dating or past relationships. And because many of you still do it, here’s why you shouldn’t:
It takes the focus away from the present. Why would you want to dwell on past online dates, IJL dates or previous relationships when you’re just getting to know someone new? That has literally nothing to do with the person you’re sitting in front of. First dates are for getting to know each other and seeing if there’s a chance for connection, not rehashing how your previous dating and relationship experiences have been.
It’s a turn-off! If you would rather talk about the last date you went on or how your ex was controlling instead of learning about your current date, that’s a huge red flag. It shows you’re not interested in the person you’re on a date with, because you’re not even bothering to learn about him/her. Plus, if you had a nasty divorce or some rough relationships, your date will likely immediately wonder what caused such bad relationships – and if you’re the problem.
It affects your date’s experience. What if your date has just gotten back out into the single scene and he/she is super excited about the opportunities ahead? Enter you, “Negative Nancy”, who goes on a 20-minute rant about how everyone you’ve met has been terrible and you hate dating. You’ve just crushed your date’s hopes and dreams, in addition to making yourself sound like the least uplifting person to spend time with.
Or, on the flipside, what if you talk about how you’ve had to best dates ever and you’re going out all the time? Now you’ve made your date self-conscious about how he/she is doing in his/her own dating life, or worse, you sound braggy. Every IJL client goes out at different frequencies, depending on their dating parameters and available matches, just like everyone who online dates goes out different amounts, depending on how particular they are and how much time they put into it.
I always tell clients that you have to put it into this perspective: if you’re on a date with someone, they are still single, and everyone is going to feel differently about not having found someone yet. Why would you want that to rub off on your own experience?
Everyone’s dating journey is different - what matters is the end point!
So, despite knowing that this won’t be the last time I have to bring this up, I hope you daters out there understand why you should keep past dates and relationships out of the conversation on the first date. Of course, you’re going to have to talk about sensitive subjects down the road, but wait to see if there’s a foundation there first before you unload your baggage.
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